Anna is having a hard time at school. Every day she comes home with her glasses completely cloudy with dried tears. And it’s making me heart sick for her. I met with her teacher Friday afternoon to discuss why she’s crying. The theory is that art class, one of only two classes where she is with her typical peers, is too big and loud and scares her. One day last week she had a long meltdown saying that she was going to be a homeless person. That she was stupid. After she had calmed down a little, she shared in a rare moment of self-awareness, that she can’t read or write very well. I reminded her of hard hard she works to do both of those things and how proud we are of her. “You are?” she asks. She thinks that we won’t love her because she’s not smart. My heart shattered into billions of pieces. I told her how everyone has challenges, some you can see and some you can’t. That we will ALWAYS love her no matter what and that we will never EVER let her be homeless. “You promise?” she asks. My eyes tear up now just thinking about it. I hate how hard everything is for her; how every single time she enters a room, she stops short to survey it for danger, for loud noises, for unexpected events; how she’s lost in a fog and I don’t know if it’s from the medicine she’s on; that she has to take powerful antipsychotic drugs just to get through a day without hurting herself or someone else; how she doubts that she is lovable. I hate all of it.
I also discussed with her teacher the concern I have about the change from an academic-based curriculum to a more vocational-based curriculum and was told that the term “FAC” (Functional Academic Classroom) really is just another, nicer, way of saying “FLS” (Functional Life Skills). I guess in middle school there is less emphasis on learning academics and more on teaching them to be independent and follow directions so that they can get a job eventually. It was completely depressing. She is the ONLY girl in a class of 8. I don’t like that. And both of her bus rides (different in the AM and PM) have male drivers and male aides… I don’t like that either. I feel like I’m failing her. Curtis gently reminded me that I often feel this way the first few weeks of school, so I will try to relax a little and have some faith that she will be okay.
Day 248 ~ Letting Go
Last week’s Clickin Moms PROspectives challenge was Letting Go… how appropriate with everything that has been going on.
Day 251 ~ Angry Cat
We brought Charlie over to my mom’s house while we hung out there on Sunday. Usually Mystery doesn’t mind his visiting, but that day he wasn’t too thrilled. He actually chased Charlie around the table growling and hissing. It was kinda funny.
Day 251 ~ Frog Dog
Charlie visits Nana’s house and sprawls out on her wood floor. LOL. Love this pose!
Day 251 ~ Hard Day
Dominic came home from school on Friday with a fever and he was getting nursed back to health by Nana this weekend, so Curtis and I took Anna to the City Wide Garage Sale. This sort of thing is usually something she loves, but this day she had a hard time. She’s been more obsessed than usual and we aren’t sure if it’s the meds or school or what, but it’s hard to see her this unhappy. I was trying to get her to smile for me, but she turned away at the last moment and drifted away from me.
Day 252 ~ Fall is Coming
I let Charlie out this afternoon and I saw yellow leaves raining down from our Chinaberry tree… fall is coming soon.
Thanks for looking, hope everyone has a wonderful week. I’m especially hoping Anna has a better week. <3